Look, I want to talk to you about all the pizza-shits.
You know, those convos you have with your internal organs when you're on the toilet, and your mind's trying to make sense of what you think you ate--and now are attempting to process.
1. The Rainforest Inside You (Terrifying)
So apparently you're not just a person. You're also — and nobody tells you this at any point in your education — a rainforest. Trillions of bacteria living inside your intestines, doing God-knows-what, unsupervised, twenty-four hours a day. I found this out the way I find out everything, which is too late and while eating.
The theory goes: lots of different bacteria, good, very healthy, very Amazon-basin. Only one or two kinds of bacteria in there, bad — apparently this is how forests die, and also, I'm told, how guts die, which as someone who has been mildly dying since 1969 I find extremely relatable.
2. The Barcode Thing
Now, scientists — who I assume have nothing better to worry about, must be nice — invented something called 16S rRNA sequencing, which is essentially a barcode scanner for bacteria. Like at the supermarket, except instead of finding out cereal is $6.49, you find out you're statistically deficient in Lactobacillus, which is not information I asked for and not information I know what to do with. I didn't sleep great after learning this, is what I'm saying.
3. Fermented Things, Which I Already Have Complicated Feelings About
Fermented food — pickles, sauerkraut, kimchi, this fermented green chile business we apparently do in New Mexico — is, and I want to stress I'm only the messenger here, alive. It has live bacteria in it. So when you put it on a pizza, you are baking something alive on top of something else, and then eating both, and somehow this is a good thing and not the plot of a horror movie. I've made peace with less.
4. What Actually Happened in This Study
So they took people, gave them pizza with fermented toppings, and — I love this part — scanned their internal barcodes before and after. Like customs, but for your duodenum. And they found:
- More different bacteria showed up. The rainforest, apparently, throws a party when fermented chiles arrive. Word travels fast down there.
- The "good" bacteria — Lactobacillus, the one everyone's suddenly on a first-name basis with — multiplied. Got stronger. More confident. Frankly, better adjusted than I've ever been.
- The whole ecosystem started producing compounds that protect your stomach lining and calm things down. Which is more emotional regulation than I've achieved with three therapists and a decade of Zoloft, but sure, let the bacteria have this one.
The Big Takeaway
So the conclusion, apparently, is that a slice of pizza with fermented green chiles or pickled jalapeños and lemons on it isn't just dinner — it's a tiny, invisible, unlicensed medical procedure happening inside you that you didn't consent to but that's working out great anyway. Which, now that I say it out loud, is also a fairly accurate description of my last relationship.
Anyway. Make it happen. Get the fermented chiles--and/or do research on the benefits of fermenting your favorite ingredients. Your rainforest, apparently, has been waiting for you to show up.